A New Beginning...

I remember too much. Sometimes I wish I didn't remember anything. Actually, I wish I never remembered any of it. It pains me to remember. It pains others to hear about it. Part of me doesn't want to write this. It's almost as if I'm forced to. I need to heal. In telling my story and relating my journey of healing to you, perhaps it will help others to heal. I hope so. I'd hate to think all of this was in vain.

My story is not typical. Not by a long shot. I grew up in the suburbs. To the outside world, we were a normal family. Dysfunctional. But like everyone else. Except I wasn't like everyone else. I wasn't like any other person I knew.

All I can do is write what I remember.
How I remember it.
I don't care if you don't believe me.
I don't care that you think I'm making it up.
I'm not.
I remember this.
I've always remembered this.
I didn't wake up one day and these memories just suddenly appeared.
I've always remembered this happening.
I don't want to.
I wish to G-d it never happened but it did.

TRIGGER WARNING

August, 1978. My parents were on vacation in Europe and had left my younger brother and I in the care of older relatives. Their son told his parents we were going out and would be back later.

In the car he told me I was going to the doctor's office.
I asked why since I wasn't sick and felt fine.
He said I needed to have a procedure done...like an operation but I'd be asleep for it.
He explained it was to make my vagina bigger so I could have babies one day.
I didn't know I couldn't say no.
I didn't know nobody else knew this was happening.
All I knew was that he was an adult. I had to listen to him and respect him.
So I trusted he knew what he was doing.

He drove me to this place made to look like a doctor's office.
We were asked to come into a small room where I was told to take off all my clothes including my underwear and change into a patient's gown.
I was helped onto a table which was then wheeled into the operating room.
There were other men there...four altogether, including my male relative.
They were dressed in doctor's gowns and masks. Except him. He was still wearing the clothes he wore earlier.
I was asked if the procedure was explained to me. I said yes. I was nervous and scared.
I was given anesthetic.
I was told to recite the alphabet backwards.
I was so nervous I just babbled nonsense until I blacked out.
I had no reason to suspect they weren't doctors.
When I woke up, one of them was on top of me.
I couldn't breathe.
It hurt.
I felt like I was being ripped apart.
They didn't care that I was crying.
They didn't care that I was scared.
I heard the snap and click of a camera and saw the blinding flash.
I was humiliated.

They took turns.

When they finished with me, I was told the procedure went wonderfully.
I was sore.
I was tired.
I was confused.
I wanted to throw up.
I didn't want to be near him anymore.
I sensed something had changed my relationship with him forever.
I sensed something had changed me forever.
I just wanted to go home.

I was 7-years-old.